Setting Boundaries… Selfish or Self Care?
Sometimes saying “no” to someone or something else and saying “yes” to your state of well being is the right answer.
Are you struggling with doing what’s right for you?
Are you doing what’s expected, what’s trendy, or what makes you look or feel relevant?
I remember a time (half of my life, at least) when there were no cell phones, the news came in on two local TV channels, and quiet time was spent with books or paper and paints instead of screens.
Today, every day, we wake up to an over-abundance of mental and visual stimulation. We have emails to check, direct messages to respond to, tweets to read, and a myriad of 60 second videos to compare our lives to.
There are actually “celebrities” called influencers! They influence every aspect of our lives from the way we look to what we eat and how we spend our free time. If we participate in the game, we get to sit at the “cool kids table”. And if we don’t participate, well… we all know how that goes (lonely lunches with just you and your sad pb&j sandwich).
It comes down to setting boundaries.
I had a recent experience when purchasing a new bicycle. I’m not an avid rider like my other half. He’s into road biking and mountain biking and knows all the things about bikes and biking. I’m a casual rider who hasn’t ridden in about 15 years. I want a cushy seat and a quiet path to ride on.
We visited multiple stores looking for a decent deal on a comfortable bike for me. Since it’s not an important purchase for me (it’s not a serious hobby or mode of transport) I don’t feel the need to buy a high end bike. Just something reliable and comfortable.
At one point we ended up at a specialty shop that had mostly higher end bikes. The young gal helping us was obviously an enthusiast and her bike was also her main mode of transport. Given the town we were in, most of her customers were likely similar. I was not, and I felt her condescension almost from the start. She even made a snide comment at one point about buying a bike at WalMart when I said I wasn’t interested in the $800 bikes she pointed out. I refrained from pointing out that just because I didn’t want an $800 bike didn’t mean I couldn’t pay cash for a bike twice that amount at that moment. I let her comments go (or so I thought) and continued looking.
I was tired and hungry and really just wanted to leave, and going against my gut instincts to just walk out and drive an hour back home, I completed the transaction and left with a bike I wasn’t 100% sold on bought from a person I not only didn’t like, I also didn’t trust.
That night I didn’t sleep. Knowing I should have left without buying anything, feeling like I should have said more to the saleswoman to “put her in her place”. I decided to get through the next day and let my emotions settle before making a decision about the bike.
In the end, I returned the bike. I spoke with the manager about why I was returning it and why I wouldn’t shop there again or refer anyone else to. She tried, in a small way, to “make it right and earn my business back”, but it was more than the money. I’ve been in customer service for most of my working life. I was in sales of one sort or another for almost 20 years. Poor service, and even more than that, poor treatment of another person, is a boundary crossed that I will not tolerate.
There was a time when I would have kept the bike and all the bad feelings that came with it. I would not have stood firm in my values and boundaries. It was in my late 30’s that I learned (finally) how to care for myself by respecting my own boundaries the same way I respected others.
Sometimes saying “no” to someone or something else and saying “yes” to your state of well being is the right answer.
Our boundaries are what help keep the negative energy out of our lives and the positive energy in. If you’d like to explore how your boundaries are (or maybe aren’t) playing the role they are designed for in your life, let’s chat! Message me or schedule a Zoom call and let’s see what’s influencing you and the decisions you make.