The Goal Isn’t Life Balance
The art of living the unbalanced life
When I started coaching almost 30 years ago, the buzz words were life balance and perfect life. Eventually, everyone became a “life balance coach”. They offered the magical formulas of time management that would provide you with the perfectly balanced, perfect life. You COULD have it ALL (if you tried hard enough)!
I will admit, I also fell into that trap, until I realized that with toddler twins, a husband who travelled, no immediate family around for support, and a small business trying to get off the ground, I wasn’t going to “get it ALL” without some serious burnout.
The house may have been tidy, the kids fed and cared for, and the bills paid, but I wasn’t happy. Something was missing. That something was “me”.
At the end of the week, there was no time or energy left for me. No time for coffee with friends, no energy to go for a hike, no money to pay for hobbies.
So I wrote a book.
I didn’t set out to write a book. I wrote a 25-step plan about how to prioritize and make choices so that I wasn’t always left out of the balance equation. This was essentially a course for me to figure out how to get my shit together. (I did start teaching it to others as well, and then it eventually became my first book).
Here’s what I learned:
Life isn’t about balance.
When you think of balance, what do you think of?
On a scale, both sides being equal
On a financial balance sheet, both columns adding up equally
On a balance beam, not falling to one side or the other - being still, in the center
It’s about life management.
Life will always be unbalanced.
Life management is embracing the unbalanced nature of life and making sure that the essential pieces get the time and energy THEY NEED. Not EQUAL time, necessarily, but the time each needs.
If we split our time into equal segments, life might look something like this:
Each day:
Work 4.8 hours
Family 4.8 hours
Chores 4.8 hours
Individual activities 4.8 hours
Sleep 4.8 hours
I don’t know about you, but neither 4.8 hours of sleep nor 4.8 hours of chores each day is appealing to me!
Here’s one example of what real life looks like, in its unbalanced glory:
Monday through Friday, work gets 8 hours of your day, but on Saturday and Sunday, work gets zero hours.
Tuesday and Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings, the kids’ activities get attention. (And this is also a good time for errands or chores).
Every other Friday is coffee or lunch with the girls. (Gotta schedule that “me time” or it will likely be left out).
Family time is all day Sunday and holidays - no work, chores, or individual activities.
While this looks like a fixed formula, it won’t work every week. Things come up. It needs to be fluid and flexible.
If the car breaks down, kids activities might be skipped that day, or work might suffer, or that coffee date with the girls might get postponed.
Life is unbalananced by nature. And in its unbalanced nature, it’s often easy to allow some pieces to get more attention while others get none (Moms who always sacrifice their time for everyone else because it’s “easier”, I’m looking at you!)
It’s all about choices
If someone (Mom, I’m looking at you again!) isn’t getting the nourishing time she needs, then a choice needs to be made to shift time and attention from one area to another.
Again, this isn’t a fixed formula like the example above. Life is not only unbalanced, it’s fluid and flexible. Shit happens. Wrenches are thrown in the works and monkeys escape from the zoo.
In the end…
I learned to schedule time for me just as I scheduled time for grocery shopping or taking the kids to play dates. I learned that sometimes hard choices had to be made, and I might have to say “no” to a friend or family member.
Some days are still tough. All the big, important things outside of me demand a lot of attention. But now I know that I can make a choice to allow for the unbalance when it needs to happen, and take extra time for me another day.
What I’m Reading This Week
Here are some other ‘stacks that have caught my attention this week. Check them out and subscribe or share if you like what they have to say:
At the start of each month, I settle myself down to review the month and decide where I want to put my time energy and focus for the month ahead. Sometimes I will do a mini version of this weekly. I ask myself... Am I happy with this area of my life? Do I need to give more attention here? I agree that all areas of life are rarely balanced and that's fine. As long as something important to us is not getting neglected for a different area of life. For me, it's about getting clear about what's important me and using my time and energy appropriately.